I have been reading. I have been listening (to the voices of fellow citizens crying out). I have been pondering. I have been worrying. I have been praying. I have been bewildered. I have been despondent. I have been dumbfounded. I have been befuddled.

Why have I been engaged in these activities and "states?" Glad you asked. I have been so engaged because this country is falling apart, and no one seems to be able to do much, anything at all constructive, about the sad state of affairs. I listen and I hear citizens feeling like strangers in their own land. They see some, who normally should not have any rights, move right in, take over and are threatening to shove citizens aside. They even see some foreign wannabe terrorist, er unproven/unindicted co-conspirator, or whatever other description is used, "aided and abetted" by fellow citizens, gain rights normally awarded to citizens. It is all about the rights of various and sundry groups. The heavy lifting of "responsibility?" Why, that is where "citizens" have unlimited "rights!" So, "Joe Citizen," take up your "responsibilities." Go forth and toil. Watch it. Do not drop that load of "responsibility." There is no one else there to pick it up. Before you set out on your journey, read your new Bill of Rights, er Responsibilities, channeled through the newly created Your Rights Committee.

1. You have the right to remain silent. What you say, said, or have not even said (thought), is already being used against you. Please do not scratch the site of that "health" chip that was implanted, er inserted into your tongue.
2. You have the right to shut up and not let your voice be heard....or else. Sidebar: If anyone on the "New Rights Committee," opens his or her mouth and divulges the "or else," he or she will be....(well, you will find out).
3. You have the right to work two, three or four jobs to make the pay you used to be able to make from one job. That is your absolute choice. Well, not really..."choice" has been replaced by "conforming decisions."
4. You have the right to have your hospitals closed down after being overwhelmed by guests. At least closure will prevent your dying on the floor from lack of attention.
5. You have the right for your child and/or children to not be able to receive a proper education. Rest assured that there is a key benefit to this new right. New research has shown that burger flipping, this rapidly expanding job opportunity, to which your children now have unalienable rights, does not require knowledge of Shakespeare or other hopelessly outdated learning. Such antiquated learning is now redundant. Eye/hand coordination is a more marketable and valuable skill.
6. You have the right to bear arms (as in holding up, by the arms, any uninvited guests who have claimed the right to your house and land). Do not drop those arms!
7. You have the right to drink yourself into oblivion, in a vain attempt to drown your sorrows. However, you do not have the right to get behind the wheel of a vehicle, while in your state of "oblivion." That right/privilege, has already been granted to others, who re more effective as using their vehicles as instruments of population control.
8. You have the right to use any and all of the Meth, Cocaine, Heroin or other "opiates," for the same purpose outlined in Article VII above. Technically, said opiates are illegal, but we your "New Rights Committee" members, have unanimously granted you the right to indulge for said purpose, as long as you maintain a superficial appearance of sobriety.
9. You have the right to be taxed so that the mating habits of slugs can be studied. Reminder: Not all slugs come from the animal kingdom. As we have all evolved from a single cell, slugs can take the shape of homo sapiens. In a spirit of generosity, your taxation rights extend to the privilege of being taxed to fund a laundry list of other items/causes. See Addendum I for said list. Refer to Pages 1 through 999, lines 1 through 10,1098.
10. You have the right to...Please accept our sincere apologies. Our printing press broke down. Our 98 technicians are working simultaneously and concurrently, to arrive at a solution, workable or unworkable. At the end of our scheduled 58 Committee meetings, your hard-working "New Rights Committee" will deliver the 10th right, if your priest or other religious leader, does not get there first...with the last rite.

This document was prepared by your New Rights Committee after copious, extended, lengthy, mind-numbing, exhaustive stufy by all 1098 Committee members.

Please contact us by telephone at 1-800-U R SCRWD, or by mail at 1098 Somnolence Avenue, Washington DC (insert new name here), USA D(U)SA (Disunited States of America).

Reported by E.I. Christmas, chief and only reporter of The You Have A Right To Know Newsletter